Lots of us will quickly make some New Year Resolutions over the next few days – and just as quickly we’ll break them.
Mostly we don’t worry too much about that, but some people get really upset. They’re the perfectionists amongst us. Being a perfectionist sounds quite a good idea when you say it quickly.
After all, never quitting and not accepting second best sounds like just the sort of stuff you read in all those motivational books. And in fact aiming for perfection isn’t inherently bad. Like it’s obviously important for a pilot not to make mistakes, for example. Or a surgeon.
But if you try to live your whole life that way, including for example your appearance, your relationships, and everything at home, then there will definitely be problems.
The trouble is, perfectionists don’t see things that way. They’re generally very proud of their attitudes! But the more strongly someone thinks in an “all or nothing” way, the more likely they are to cause themselves and their partners a lot of harm.
At some level they do know that it’s possible to succeed after falling short. To build on their mistakes, for example. The trouble is that anything short of perfection feels like a complete failure.
That can be a problem if your New Year Resolution’s to kick over a bad habit, for example. Break down just once, and even one drink feels like a relapse.
And if you’ve already failed, you may as well have two or three more. Or maybe you resolved to exercise every day. Miss just one session, and you feel you might as well give up altogether. Such thinking can even lead to mental health problems.
So perfectionists who struggle to live up to their own unrealistically high standards run the risk of depression.
Those who expect perfection from others often ruin relationships. While those who constantly try to live up to what they think others expect of them often suffer from eating disorders or suicidal thoughts.
Many perfectionists display some of the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They can’t bear a messy desk. Can’t bear to put a job aside till the next day. They can put in ridiculously long hours, chasing an ideal only they can see.
And what they consider a failure is something other people think is no big deal.
So if you see life a bit like that, perhaps you should reconsider a few things. Try leaving work on time. Allow yourself a number of tries to finish a job, then settle for whatever you’ve achieved. Cut your partner a bit of slack.
And definitely don’t despair if you fall short of your New Year Resolutions! Instead, recognise that building new habits takes time. And see every step in the right direction as the success that it really is.
Because learning to forgive yourself when you fall short of your expectations, can make you and your family’s lives a whole lot happier.
