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A younger woman (aged 26) asked me. “Biko, you are the guy who writes a column about men; how can I tell on a first date that the man is bad?” First, anybody can write a column about men. All you have to have is the Y chromosome… Anybody can write about anything really; about cats. Or potato farming. I’m no guru on men. I’m a writer and most of the time I just blow smoke. But sometimes I nail it. And lucky for her, I’m about to nail it with this piece of advice.
The first thing – and this applies to both men and women – that is a dead giveaway is how that person treats waiters, watchmen and subordinate staff. In fact, I can finish this article here and start thinking of my next piece next week because that is the biggest indicator. Anybody who is rude and nasty towards wait stuff, watchmen or mama mbogas is most likely not going to be a good spouse. This you can take to the bank. Fine, there is being pissed off because the waiter was a toad and he mixed up your order and they did nothing but stand by the coffee machine flirting with the barista. If he says, “what the hell is this, a get together? How can I wait for my coffee while you are waltzing about? Who is the manager?” That’s okay. Some waiters deserve what’s coming to them. But if he’s just abusive and nasty for no reason or dismissive, impolite, crass, disrespectful, then they are not going to make great partners to you.
Another thing, tell him a story – you can make up the story – and listen to his response. Tell him how your sister during a fight with her husband called him a big-headed pig and he punched her in the mouth; and she bled on your new dress when you went over to pick her up for hospital. Or another story that involves domestic violence or just some guy who slaps his woman around. If he thinks the woman deserved it, if you feel that he supports men beating up women, then don’t go for a second date.
If he’s pawing at you on the first date. Trying to push his hands up your skirt and his tongue down your ear, that’s also very suspect. Very. If he feels that buying you drinks and food should be paid back at the end of the evening, then he’s suspicious. We all hope the evening goes our way, naturally, even on the first date, but if it doesn’t we can’t feel like you “wasted our money.” Because that would mean he sees you as a thing he can buy.
If he can’t stop talking about his father’s wealth; daddy’s wheat farm, daddy’s Range Rovers, daddy’s mansions, then he’s a man who can’t do things on his own. He can’t create his own path. Not good. If he’s also about mummy, mummy, mummy this, mummy that, then you have a man who won’t be able to make a decision on his own. At least not before mum approves. Also, any man who is obsessed about his looks is going to be a problem. How do you know he is obsessed? He carries a comb in his pocket. Or he says things like, “you know, most women just want me for my looks.” Let that pretty boy go home and tweeze his eyebrows. Or put cotton buds between his wet toe nails.
On the same note here are things you shouldn’t dismiss a man over on the first date. Don’t dismiss a man by his inability to pay a bill. A struggling man. Poverty is not something that comes in anyone’s DNA. Men have risen up from nothing. Money comes and goes. But a caveat; never pay the bill on the first date. It doesn’t matter if you believe in equality. It doesn’t matter if you are making more. It doesn’t matter if it’s not a big deal. Don’t. It sets a bad precedence. Let him pick that first tab. Don’t be an enabler. Oh, before I forget, if the bill comes and his VISA cards don’t work and he says, shucks, I don’t know what’s up with my cards, that’s dodgy. His problem solving skills are bad. Because he can always excuse himself to make a call: “Mato, thank God you picked! Do you have a loose 5K you M-Pesa me? Waah, thanks! I swear I will name my son after you!”
Don’t dismiss a man who chews loudly. That’s just bad manners, which can be unlearnt. Don’t dismiss a man who talks more than you do, God knows we – men – deal with that a lot with you women. The trick is to stare at the spot between the eyes, nod and drift out of the room. He won’t know. Once in a while say, “really?”
Don’t dismiss a man who shows up in sneakers and his polo shirt tucked in his official trousers. He could be a wheat farmer’s son. Style or fashion doesn’t make the man, values do. Plus I know many terrible dressers, men who could never leave the house without some ratty caps (I won’t mention names) who met women who cleaned them up so much, now they have the temerity to make fun of men who wear loafers with socks. My point is, it doesn’t matter, you can turn around how a man dresses up. You are a woman, you can turn around a hill. Or give the impression that you did.
But if he has a nice taste in shoes, you are onto something there, sister.
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