Co-parenting is the new way of raising children after a split, yet very few talk about the difficulties. We delve in to find out why it’s one of those things easier said than done and tell you how to make it work.
“I’ll be picking Angie up at two this afternoon at the usual spot,” my ex told me before he hangs up abruptly.
“It’s hard to believe I’m having this conversation with a person who not so long ago I had vowed to grow old with. Nowadays, we only talk because we co-parent our daughter.”
These are the sombre words that ring true for lots of parents who have found themselves opting to co-parent rather than staying under one roof.
The term co-parenting has risen in popularity over the recent past, as celebrities announce that they will be raising their children together after a split.
As divorce, separation and single parenthood continues to soar, many couples are opting to parent together.
Most likely co-parenting involves a custody-sharing schedule and making joint decisions about the welfare of the child(ren).
But while the stars and social media would have us believe that it’s easy and enjoyable, for many it’s anything but.
Many couples find that it’s not easy to seamlessly transition from a duo to co-parents with grace, dignity and ease.
Attempting to co-parent after an amicable break-up, let alone a messy one, is rarely easy. It can be an exhausting and highly-stressful business.
Just the thought of it quickly conjures up potential areas of worry, fears about what happens with the children financially, anxiety over possible parenting-calendar clashes, questions on the reliability of your ex’s parenting capabilities, wondering if the split will adversely affect your child, or even pondering if this is what your child really wants.
Research tells us that the quality of the relationship between co-parents has a strong influence on the mental and emotional well-being of the child.
We know how intuitive kids can be, and they will pick up on your energy no matter how many strained smiles you give each other when the time comes for you to cross paths with your ex.
“If you are steeped in unresolved conflict with your ex, your child’s emotional balance will be thrown off. Children, being unable to understand the complexities of adult relationships, often take a divorce personally and may feel guilty about it.
But if the parents are able to keep their own emotions at bay, managing the feelings of loneliness, depression, and/or anxiety that have come to the surface, their children will make it through this transition with less negative impact,” Mashonda Tifrere writes in her book Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family.
“Co-parenting is not as rosy as I portray it to be. I will put on a smiley face and show the world that everything is fine, but behind closed doors I will scream and shout,” says Judy Chebet, 29, who has been co-parenting her four-year-old son for two years.
“My ex and I had a colourful wedding and we vowed to be together till death do us part. Surprisingly, death was not our separating factor. Now, we simply try and put up with each other because this is the decision we mutually came to,” she adds.
When it comes to decision-making, this is another huge thorn in the side of many a co-parenting couple.
“I dread the days my ex has to come over and pick up our son; the days we have to decide who is having him for specific holidays, and the days we both have to be present for school meetings,” says Chebet.
Daniel Oloo, 32, who’s been co-parenting for five years, shares similar sentiments. “My ex can hardly keep time when it is her turn to pick up our eight-year-old daughter. She will sometimes postpone, and this messes up my schedule.”
Another tough complication for a fair number of co-parents rears its ugly head when either partner starts to date and even goes ahead and remarries. It’s an all-too-common co-parenting story.
“My ex and I were getting along just great…until I started seeing someone – then all hell broke loose,” says Waithera, a beautician in the city.
What is it about dating and remarriage that can cause a previously cordial parenting partnership to go south?
There are worries that your ex, wrapped up in a new love, might neglect your child, and the big one – fears that your child may form a bond with another dad or mum and replace you.
“Considering that I am now married, my new wife is now a step-mother to our daughter,” says Oloo.
“Meaning she has a say regarding the choices made. Yes, my ex gets mad that she is not involved in making some decisions, but the current situation does not allow room for her involvement,” he explains.
He adds: “I sometimes make decisions about my daughter alone and have to deal with two people questioning me about it. It is draining.”
Jackie Keya, a blended family life coach and founder of The Blended Family Network, who interacts with co-parents and stepparents, weighs in.
“Having to deal with your ex is difficult because this is someone who may have caused a lot of emotional pain. As a co-parent, you are constantly worried about how badly the situation will affect your child.
Every parent desires to give their child their best, and we wrongly believe we can only achieve that when we have our children with us at all times. Therefore, a parent who only has the opportunity to be with their child only at particular lengths of time is constantly worried about their welfare,” Keya says.
Kelvin Wafula, 30, who has been a co-parent for four years, says he had his share of sorrow before it turned to devastation.
“My ex and I would make arrangements on when I would visit my daughter. The problem was I would not have her at my place for days at a time. I was only allowed to spend a day with her and take her back to her mum in the evening.
Every effort I made to change that would be followed by missed calls and unreplied texts. So after a while I stopped pushing,” says Kelvin.
Devastation, he says, hit when he married and had a daughter. “My ex cut all ties with me and I could no longer spend time with my daughter. I think she felt like I had moved on and so there was no need to continue co-parenting.
Decisions concerning my daughter were mostly made by her mum. I was informed about some decisions that would affect me, others I would accidentally find out. I always felt like I was more of a financer than a dad.”
When one parent is taken to court for one reason or another, co-parents attest that this often makes matters more difficult.
Alex Mwanza, 37, has been co-parenting his five-year-old son, but as much as going to court cost him a lot of emotional and financial strain, and even though things are still rocky with his ex, he says that the court ruling helped finalise and streamline things.
For Alex, the stress and drama of dealing with his baby mama were finally laid to rest. He believes that men often get the short end of the stick when the relationship has gone awry.
“We are called deadbeat dads, but I have personally fought very hard to have a relationship with my boy,” says Mwanza.
“The courts use their discretion on a case-by-case basis using precedents set in previous cases as a guide. But the most important consideration is what is in the best interest of the child,” explains Joseph Mwangi, an advocate with Njoroge J.M and Advocates.
“They gauge the abilities of each parent and then assign responsibility accordingly on a consideration of the balance of probabilities [deciding in favour of the party whose claims are more likely to be true],” adds Mwangi.
Say one parent is a foreigner or gets the opportunity to move to another country, then what?
A Kenyan court recently ruled in favour of a Kenyan woman who had had a child with a Canadian citizen.
Although the father had obtained orders of permanent custody from the High Court in Canada, the Kenyan court was unable to enforce it due to laws stipulated in the Children’s Act (under section 13, which excludes Canada as a reciprocating country).
The child’s age was also a factor. Since she was under the age of 10, her age was considered ‘tender’ and so the best interest of the child was decided to be with the mother.
According to Mwangi, mothers are favoured in most custody cases because by default; it is predominantly them who look out for the children’s basic needs right from birth.
So an early substantial, continuous and lasting relationship with the child is formed.
Mothers more easily demonstrate to the court that they are best equipped and suited to retain custody of the child(ren).
Complex and taxing custody battles like these highlight the intricacies of the co-parenting dilemma.
With its many challenges, is it possible to happily raise a child after a break-up? The short answer is yes.
Co-parenting scenarios come in all shapes and complex sizes, but one thing is clear; it will require a lot of sacrifices from both parents to make it work.
Some celebrities in Kenya, like Grace Msalame, the host of NTV’s “Unscripted with Grace”, know this.
In the past, she has said that they have had to make it work for their daughters, despite the dynamics and even the fact that her baby daddy is now married.
Other personalities include outspoken singer Akothee, who openly discusses through her social media co-parenting her five children with her different baby fathers.
Kanze Dena and Terryanne Chebet are the other recognisable media figures who have also shared their experiences on co-parenting and how they are making it work.
One might argue that celebrities will showcase only the positives because of their repute, which could well be the case.
Jackie Keya says that keeping a consistent routine for your child, although a struggle, is key. “It works when it is done well by both parents. Remember, there are ex-partners but there are no ex-children or parents,” she says.
The ultimate goal of every parent is the stability and well-being of their child. For that sake alone, you can overcome co-parenting hurdles and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex.
