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Someone once said Nairobi is like a woman, if it says ‘No’ to you, you had better pack your things and go back where you came from. This, to me, was just a sentence until Nairobi almost said no to me. Actually, I think it said no to me several times. I was just too adamant to give in.
You have never seen the other side of Nairobi if you’ve never played cat and mouse with your caretaker. I mean literally sneaking in and out of your house. While in the house, you have to minimise any kind of movement otherwise the caretaker will feel your presence and come knocking. There’s nothing as difficult as operating in darkness yet you have electricity just to avoid alerting the caretaker that you are within.
Once, I carried my television set to my bedroom located away from the main door. I would watch it and listen using ear phones. You cannot even laugh out loud at a joke or sneeze like an African because you are in your house “illegally”.
I am talking about the instances when you are late with your rent. You have to leave your house at dawn even if you are headed nowhere and sneak back late in the night because you don’t want to come face to face with your caretaker. You are lucky if your house is not locked from the outside or if a big rusty padlock doesn’t greet you when arrive.
Then comes the time when you dread your own phone ringing because you have no idea who is calling and what exactly they have in store for you. By the way, it is easier to deal with a caretaker than an agent. Agents can even come to your house and carry it away while you are gone. They will even lock you in and travel abroad with the keys and they will feel nothing.
At least a caretaker will have the heart to ask you out on a date before they lock your door due to arrears. When he realises you are becoming difficult, he might employ scare tactics by either disconnecting your power or water or both then sit down and wait for your next move. In most cases, caretakers imagine you will crawl back to them for negotiations. What they don’t know is that once you are at that stage where you are tiptoeing around your own house in the dark, nothing else can move you.
Nairobi has never said no to you if you have not had to change your route to avoid bumping into the garbage collectors because you owe them. I once resorted to carrying my trash every morning to wherever thinking they would stop billing me. Shock on me, at the end of the month, they were still at my door demanding their pay.
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You should list Nairobi as your next of kin if it has never made you compete in standing with other statues in town because you are waiting for bus fares to reduce. Dedan Kimathi’s figure will be gracing Kimathi Street, Tom Mboya’s will be honouring Tom Mboya Street and yours will be somewhere near OTC bus station, coiled like a caterpillar with ears up like a squirrel waiting to hear the next fare. In fact, if you’ve never walked from point A to B not because you want to lose weight but because you don’t have the fare to hop into a matatu, find Nairobi and get married to it. It has definitely said Yes to you.
Lastly, if you have never peeped from a closed curtain to see who is knocking at your door, change your surname to Nairobi. This is that town where you don’t just open the door because someone knocked. Nairobi is capable of bringing anything to your doorstep including a hungry giraffe or a sleepy elephant. If you aren’t walking upright with your nose held high up in Nairobi, pack your bags, the train is leaving in a few.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Evewoman.co.ke
