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Lecturer Bob Mwangi (not real name) was stalked by one of his students. It started with a text message two days after she passed her test.
“She sent me a message which said, ‘Part of me wishes I hadn’t passed my test because I would have got to spend more time with you’,” he recalls.
“I didn’t reply, but the texts just kept coming all night. They got darker and darker. I thought she might be at risk so I called the police, who took the matter lightly.”
But the bombardment of texts and phone calls carried on every night. Bob never replied. He says she would leave voicemails up to 15 times a night, but police told him there was nothing they could do because Mary* (the student) had not made direct contact.
One night, Mary turned up at his flat and texted him to say she was outside and wanted to talk to him. She had followed him home.
“I’m a grown man, but I felt very vulnerable and anxious,” he says. “The next evening, my doorbell rang repeatedly. I looked out of the window and it was her again. She then phoned me eight times while she was outside. I reported the matter to the police, who did not intervene.”
‘IT’S SUFFOCATING’
Bob says the ordeal has had a lasting impact. “It’s horrible. It’s almost suffocating. It changes your life, how you feel about people. You feel as if you’re not quite being taken seriously because you’re a man,” he says.
“Some people might think it’s harmless, that it’s just a woman giving you some attention. It’s not, because the attention is unwanted, unsolicited, and was never reciprocated. I’m very cautious now, always looking around me when I go outside. I don’t feel safe.”
James* (not his real name), 44, was harassed by a former neighbour after they had a one-night stand.
Days later, the woman started bombarding him with threatening texts, calls and social media messages.
“She was saying she was waiting outside my flat, that if I didn’t reply to her she would get angry, vengeful; that I wouldn’t like her when she was angry. On one occasion, she was standing outside my flat when I was inside.”
James became increasingly worried about his safety. “I couldn’t sleep at night,” he says.
Eventually, the woman was convicted of harassment and subjected to an order banning her from contacting James directly or indirectly.
But this did not stop her. Two months later James, began getting calls from the woman at work. On a night out, she came over to James in a bar. The order she had breached was amended to stop her going within a certain distance of James’s home, but he says it’s still an ongoing problem.
“I report it to the police every time she breaches the injunction, but I now think that I will be doing it for the rest of my life. I’ve had to have my phone cut off. I have no visible presence on social media. It’s a constant worry, it affects everything, every decision I make about where I go, what I do. It feels like it is never ever going to end.”
Faith Mwanza from Faith Trust says, “I understand stalking is under-reported generally, and men report less than women. We must ensure we encourage people to come forward.
“I know men and women are sometimes concerned that when they do report, they won’t be taken seriously. We advise officers to be non-judgemental regardless of gender, and not make assumptions of anyone.”
STALKING NOT AN OFFENCE
Regional police commander Philip Ndolo told the Star that stalking is not an offense handled by police.
“Police do not intervene in cases of love admiration or stalking. The involved parties need to solve such cases among themselves,” he says.
He, however, says the police can only intervene when the stalker harms their victim.
“The police come in when the stalker stabs you, touches you inappropriately, for example, and there is physical evidence,” he says.
There’s a line between an overzealous pursuer and a stalker. “Stalking is much more than just inducing fear,” says Charlene Denousse, a counselling psychologist. “Stalking involves a continuous array of attention,” she tells the Star.
The overwhelming majority of stalkers are men, Charlene says.
She says psychiatrists have developed five stalker profiles.
One is rejected stalking. He or she has experienced the unwanted end of a close relationship, most likely with a romantic partner, but also with a parent, work associate or acquaintance.
Charlene says when the stalker’s attempts to reconcile fail, they frequently seek revenge.
Two is the intimacy seeker identifies a person, often a complete stranger, as their true love and begins to behave as if they are in a relationship with that person.
“Many intimacy-seeking stalkers carry the delusion that their love is reciprocated,” she says.
Three is the incompetent stalker like the intimacy seeker hopes their behaviour would lead to a close relationship, satisfying their need for contact and intimacy.
She says, however, this type of stalker acknowledges that their victim is not reciprocating their affection while they still continue their pursuit.
“Given their inability to comprehend and carry out socially normal and accepted courting rituals, he or she uses methods that are often counterproductive and frightening.”
Four is the resentful stalker experiences feelings of injustice and desires revenge against their victim rather than a relationship.
“Their behaviour reflects their perception that they have been humiliated and treated unfairly, viewing themselves as the victim,” she says.
The focus on a distressing past and the compulsive reliving of this pain she says can contribute to a mood disorder or a paranoid disorder.
Five is the predator stalker also has no desire for a relationship with their victims, but a sense of power and control.
She says they find pleasure in gathering information about their victim and fantasizing about assaulting them physically, and most frequently sexually.
All stalkers assault their victims either emotionally psychologically or physically
, says Charlene.
WHEN TO BE CONCERNED
The red flags are one when you immediately start getting several phone calls or emails right after meeting the person.
Secondly, when the person is clingy, controlling, or upset if you want to spend time with friends and family.
“Don’t make any sudden moves,” says psychologist Faith Mwanza. “Don’t tell them, ‘I don’t want anything to do with you.’ By rejecting that person, there is a chance of violence. If you reject that person, often times they feel angry, threatened. There is the possibility of violence.”
Psychologist Charlene says a victim should cut all possible avenues of communication.
Take action by one, telling everyone you know that this is going on: your employer, friends and family.
Secondly, gently but firmly tell the person you’ve decided to move on. Don’t get drawn into discussions of why. Just say, “This situation isn’t right for me” or “I’m not ready yet.” Whatever you need to say, but say it gently.
If this doesn’t work, you may need to take legal action, Charlene says. File a police report, file a restraining order, change your email and ATM passwords. “Their fantasy is that you love them. You really need to be on the offensive. There’s no harm in changing passwords.”
“Never, ever underestimate a threat. Don’t take it lightly, even if it’s in an email. Take it to the authorities. Ignore it at your own peril. It will only get worse,” Mwanza says.
Mwanza said law enforcement officials often don’t act on reports of stalking, “If you call the police and say, ‘My ex-boyfriend is stalking me,’ they may not actually do anything about it. They’ll say, ‘Call us if he comes on your property.”
For stalkers, Charlene says if you see this obsessive pattern in yourself, see a therapist.
She notes that professionals should focus on the stalkers not as criminals but as vulnerable, distressed individuals, whose behaviours reflect, at least in part, the influence of a serious underlying mental disorder.
“The most important step in the management of stalkers is to see them as individuals in need of psychological help.”
LEGAL PROTECTION
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