A new year is here, comrades. Unfortunately for us, the slate is not as clean. The writing on the wall is painfully familiar, and I suspect we might have to continue combating the same issues we’ve struggled with over the years. Brokenness is almost certain to befriend you this year, and if dating is your forte, expect to get stuck in yet another relationship of convenience this year. As usual, your studies will take the backseat until exam time. Here are some tough but necessary resolutions that will make the next 12 months in campus count.
Helb, the helper
Helb helps, but only to enhance stinginess. Most comrades end up squandering the money, telling themselves that it is money they did not break a sweat for. A week after it has been disbursed, students disbar its existence. This needs to change. I hope you will hire a financial analyst to help you avoid squandering the ‘comrades salary.’
Better without betting
Lady luck is very elusive. Every game week, you court her with high hopes of turning into a millionaire. You spend your pocket money in this probability test in which the house always wins. You’ve become an expert at predictions, but you’re not a millionaire yet. It is high time you quit, Gitau! That jackpot might come to you on Jesus’s return day.
Study the room
Your focus this year should be on establishing a good rapport with the lecturers. Stop fiddling with your Motorolla phone during class and instead ask Prof questions, especially as lunch time approaches. Endeavour to head group work assignments, which in the past you have evaded like the plague. Let the librarian know you by name. The goal is to redeem your transcripts from the D grades and elevate them to straight As.
No more debauchery
Waking up sandwiched between a dozen guys in a stuffy bedsitter should be a thing of the past. The only hangover your heavy head should know this year are headaches from intensive reading. The devil’s piss (alcohol) is hereby banished from your body. Visits to keg hangouts will be occasional and you will spend that time entertaining other teetotalers during coffee association meetings. Your eyes are henceforth blinded to wines and spirits, and terms like chaser, quarter and shots are deleted from your dictionary.
Graduate school of character development
Enough is enough, David! Your sling can no longer carry heart breaking stones to slay the Goliath that is campus girls. You learnt enough about generosity and kindness when you spent all your Fuliza money to support Cynthia’s lifestyle. Vera instilled the value of patience in you with how you waited long for her only to realise she loved another. Let your heart be only for pumping blood this year.
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