What’s the scariest thing that you’ve gone through as a man?
A car accident? A robbery? Your girlfriends finding out about each other? The ex who came to your workplace after your break-up?
Getting caught cheating in your final exam and not knowing what will happen next? I’ve gone through some of these but none of them comes closer to the day she told me she was late.
I was watching a movie and we had been having a really good spell for a few months. I had kicked my romantic socks out and I had taken her for a surprise dinner and even gotten her flowers (which I hid in a plastic bag until I got to her place because makangas’ comments are ruthless).
That night, we made dinner together — a kick-ass dry-fry kienyeji chicken. Life was perfect. Then midway through the film, she told me she needed to tell me something. That’s never a good sign.
I had heard about this technique where women lie on your chest and try to listen to your heartbeat. And since I didn’t know what I had done, I needed to be careful. I sat up.
I racked my mind to try and figure out what I could have done over the past few weeks. I had been well behaved. What had she found that I hadn’t?
I was prepared to apologise and to promise to never sin again, even though I didn’t know what it was that I had done.
She finally came clean. She was late. No, she wasn’t late for a meeting nor a party. Her periods were late by two weeks. My throat went dry and suddenly it was harder to breathe.
My mind became a bit foggy. I even forgot how to think. I know I was supposed to play it cool but that only works in the movies. I was 25. This is not what I had signed up for.
Okay, maybe I had when I dipped her down low and flipped her over like an errant pancake, but I was still shell shocked.
I eventually mustered a voice and the words to go with it and I told her that it was going to be okay. That’s what a man’s supposed to say, right?
You’re supposed to be the solid pillar of support. The truth is I felt blank. I wasn’t prepared for this. That week, I tried to cook with mushrooms for the first time, drank too much alcohol before I calmed down and started thinking rationally.
Everything was going to work out! The truth is, I was trying to figure out whether it was more viable to rob a bank or a forex bureau.
I was even planning on how I was going to break the news to my family. It’s not like it would be a surprise because I’m not necessarily the white sheep, but this was a whole baby.
Then she told me her periods had come. Whoosh! I had to control my strong urge to throw a party and to pour libations to my ancestors! I was freeee!
The fear of fatherhood is real people.
