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I educated my wife, now she is rude. Should I move on with new catch?

by kenya-tribune

My name is Steve. I’m 34, a health professional, and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have two boys aged nine and seven. My wife graduated from a famous University but failed to secure a job for eight years. I suggested she goes back to school and pursue the same course as what I studied for, which she agreed to and I have been paying her school fees and her upkeep. I opted to stay with the children and raise them alone as I felt taking them to their grandparents or relatives wasn’t a good idea (sikutaka kupea mtu mzigo).

My issue is that my wife has been rude since she went back to school to an extent of asking me, “kwani akikosa kuniambia goodnight, siwezi lala?” She rudely responds to my calls and texts telling me, “hii life bora pesa hizo vitu zingine mtu anaweza jitafutia.” I have been so stressed and recently I met a 24-year-old girl who had just completed her campus studies. I have told her my whole story and she’s been so good to me. She is loving and caring to me and my boys. This is just part of the whole story. Please help. I feel emotionally conflicted though I still love my wife. 

There are too many ‘ I’ in your long explanation which sounds like you have a big ego, are a control freak or self-opinionated. Your wife’s reaction is probably a counter-reaction to your domineering personality. You need to change first. By the way, who introduces a mpango wa kando to his seven and nine-year-old offspring? You must change.

The writing is on the wall, there’s an underlying issue in your relationship that needs addressing. No statement should be taken for granted. Look for a forum where you address your issues and if need be, use mediation. This way you’ll understand why she’s changed and possibly understand and continue raising your children together. Much as you may be vulnerable, bringing a younger woman into the picture will only complicate things. Work towards mending what’s torn before getting a new one.   

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

It’s unfortunate that the love of your life is turning sour. It hurts when your love is not reciprocated. Even so, two wrongs cannot make a right! Have you discussed the turn of events with your wife before deciding to get into an extramarital affair? If not, you should have done that as you may be jumping from the frying pan to the fire. Find out why she is behaving so. The new catch is not an angel. Reconsider your move before it gets too late.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

You sound committed and want the best for you two but before you get entangled with this 24 year old girl at least have a one on one talk with your wife and get to understand her change of behaviour. Bare in mind she is in another new environment and possibilities of fetching attention from other men can be high. Her notion of what matters is money has deeper meaning than your imagination. At least make a final decision after exploring all the possibilities of trying to save your marriage. Juma Felix 

Sorry for what you are passing through. Considering how your wife has really changed and treats you rudely, don’t be so judgmental and rush into conclusions. Try talk to her and share your emotions and feelings. Make her understand what you are going through. Thereafter, give her time to think about it. Don’t rush to impregnate the 24-year-old lady. Matters will get out of hand when your wife finds it. If you can’t handle the whole scenario, seek professional help. 

You might traumatize your children if you were to break up and bringing in the other woman in to their life. Talk to your wife first to find out where the problem could be because judging from your feelings, you truly care about her. Maybe your wife found it uncomfortable to go back to school to study or study a course she dislikes and had other ideas on how she could raise some cash or she’s in a secret affair. Communication between the two of you is very vital. 

The 24-year-old may seem understanding because she most likely has her motives. She has no loyalty to your wife nor does she care much about your marriage. The attention will boost your ego and give you a sense of being wanted but this avenue will not resolve the rift between you and your wife. You need to establish why her tune has been negative towards you. It would be a good start to find out if her mood was changed by her having to pursue further education that was more about you pressuring her rather than her wanting to pursue the course. She may be overloaded by life and expectations facing her as a mother, wife and prospective career woman. You have said you love your wife so you must find out the truth. Have a one-on-one chat and get to the bottom of your issue so you can figure out what your future holds. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor 

I have been cohabiting with this man for six months now. Together we have a son, we met during Covid-19, dated for about a month and I later realised that he is not my cup of tea so we broke up. A month later I found out I was pregnant despite being on family planning. I informed him of my pregnancy but categorically told him that I did not want to be with him. He supported me during pregnancy and I even used his medical card during delivery. We stayed apart for a long time and finally moved in in May this year after a lot of convincing (I was not for the idea and I had turned it down severally). Here is the problem, my man doesn’t care about his physical hygiene, sometimes I have to force him to shower or even brush his teeth, he will never spend a cent on his clothing and I have bought 99 per cent of his clothes. He doesn’t care about his health and he eats like there is no tomorrow. He was told that his weight was becoming dangerous he went to the gym for a month and stopped. He is an extreme introvert, most times he is quiet so you may not tell what he is thinking, but now the biggest issue is his anger management issue. I have seen him project his anger onto someone else to a point of almost physically attacking him out of something very petty. He has also projected his anger towards me due to a small argument we had, and I am afraid this will one day get out of hand. I recently brought up a conversation about what would happen if we decided to go separate ways and he brushed it off. I honestly do not have any feelings for him as he even does not meet my conjugal rights due to weight issues and also the fact that he is unhygienic. He is kind, loving, and caring but I just don’t see any future with him. 

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