Hi Pastor Kitoto
I am 22 years old and recently called things off with my 25-year-old boyfriend. We were working in the same company and most of our fights were work-related. He lost trust in me after falsely accusing me of dating other colleagues, accusations that are false. To make matters worse, I have gotten pregnant once for him but he advised that we get rid of the pregnancy because both of us were not ready to be parents despite me pleading with him to use protection, which he refused. I broke off the relationship because I feel he is not responsible enough and that my opinion does not matter to him. The problem is that I still love him very much. What do I do?
I empathise with you in the frustration you feel; however, your boyfriend is not solely to blame for the loss of the baby. It takes two to tango.
The argument he presented that both of you were not prepared to be parents may have had some truth, but this did not warrant the abortion.
Parenting is a big responsibility, yes, but you would have learnt how to be a parent along the way.
Your anger now speaks to the fact that you did not resolve this matter within yourself.
At 22 years, and having gotten pregnant and aborted, it is quite an emotional weight you carry, which needs to be processed and dealt with.
Many who have been on this road find themselves haunted for years to come because they failed to deal with the matter conclusively.
It could be that you were not ready to get pregnant in the first place.
You really need to sit down with a professional counsellor who will help you walk through this issue step by step.
Let’s now look at other matters that you have raised in your email: first is your boyfriend’s suspicion concerning perceived improper conduct between you and fellow workmates that led to constant fights between the two of you.
It is important to note that fights resulting from jealousies in relationships are common.
This is particularly true where two dating people work in the same place – there is a perceived feeling of being closely watched by one’s partner and a feeling of a lack of freedom to be one’s real self.
Depending on how large the company is and whether the two work in the same department or work in close proximity, fights can be common, and might end up interfering with your performance at work.
This is why in some organisations discourage this kind of arrangement.
HONESTY
I guess the question is whether the accusations made by your partner concerning the way you relate to your colleagues are true.
Is there something that you did that prompted him to accuse you of unfaithfulness? I have however found that most for most couples in such a situation, it is about perception.
I suggest that you determine whether your boyfriend is justified in his accusations, but you can only do this if you’re honest with yourself.
If his perception of you is right, I pray that after some soul-searching, you will be able to apply wisdom in the decisions you make in future.
Generally, when fights recur in a relationship and are not dealt with, they tend to lead to separation or disillusionment.
Secondly, I am of the opinion that both of you should have discussed the consequences of premarital sex and of performing an abortion.
Now that you did not do it, you need to find an outlet for the disappointment and regret you feel.
Healing will start when you take responsibility for the part you played, after all, you had the choice to keep the baby.
Since you were not strong enough to do that, learn to forgive yourself and move on towards healing with professional help, as I have mentioned.
Thirdly, your feeling is that your boyfriend is irresponsible and does not value you or your input on issues.
You alone know him best since you have been with him for a long time. I therefore suggest that you qualify the reasons why you feel he is irresponsible.
Is he irresponsible because he does not listen to you, for instance? Once you have put down these reasons, list the reasons why you felt he is not suitable for you.
In essence, put down the reasons that made you walk out on him.
Finally is the dilemma that although you have parted ways, you still love him.
Considering the reasons that made you leave him and those that would make you go back to him, which ones carry the greater weight?
Whichever does, move forward with that with wisdom. I may add that if your future will include him, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk.
But be careful not to end up hurt a second time.
