Mostly when we wonder about improving our skills, we focus on practical stuff like language, maths, music or sport. But an even more important skill is being able to control our emotions. Even though they’re so complex.
Like hope mixes a wish with anxiety about not achieving it. Love feels wonderful, but not if it’s being rejected.
They also come in two flavours. Negative ones like fear, which drives you to escape, or anger to attack. Negative emotions focus your mind. So while dealing with an attacker, you won’t notice a beautiful sunset.
Positive emotions can be harder to define — what’s happiness for example? But they make you more creative and open-minded. More receptive to new relationships and opportunities. They also create the sense of purpose in your life. And inspire others. Few people remember your words. But your optimism and enthusiasm can stay with them forever.
Mostly we think that our emotions are something that just happens to us. But actually they don’t. They’re always triggered by a specific event, or a thought. So knowing what triggers yours means that you can start to control them. And perhaps turn a negative experience into something positive.
So try deliberately noticing your moods for a while. Anger is a good example. It tends to get a bad press these days, but that’s not really fair. Anger’s main purpose is to help you defend yourself in an attack, so angry people can do truly heroic things like when protecting their loved ones. It can inspire you to fight against injustice, and also warns people that your values are being disrespected.
But in most everyday situations, anger can really get in the way. So it’s better to stay calm by just observing your feelings rather than being driven by them. Try to become aware of situations that tend to make you angry ahead of time. And figure out how to manage them.
Like seeing your spouse’s irritating behaviour as an interesting problem to solve, rather than always responding with a counterattack. Listen to the voice in your head and learn to direct it. Like challenging the ‘you always …’ thoughts that pop into your head whenever your wife starts annoying you.
Pause before you sound off, and consider the situation from every angle. Perhaps you are angry because you suspect your husband has been unfaithful? Instead of instantly confronting him, evaluate the situation and build a plan. Don’t automatically assume the worst. What evidence can you confront him with? How do you get him to respond constructively?
What if it’s someone else who’s angry? Don’t respond by fighting. Just calmly hearing them out might be all that’s needed.
Especially in your marriage. Because we’re more easily aroused when our emotions are raised. Anger heightens desire and reduces inhibitions.
So learn to mix warmth and affection into fights with your spouse. Then you’ll probably end up falling into bed together — and suddenly you’re the best of friends again!
