When I joined campus, my parents gave me a truckload of advice. My mum particularly insisted that I should avoid relationships, both romantic and platonic, or else my studies would be disrupted. Fanya kitu ili kuleta shule (do what brought you to school). I have lived by this phrase until recently, when I met Wangui, my campus babe. The sight of her reminded me of what one of my lecturers once told us:
“You need to graduate with two things – a degree, and a wife.” Kui was a petit, light skinned girl, and her dimpled smiles always drove me insane. Her face glowed always, and her eyes were to die for.
I met Kui at Kwa Mathe, a kiosk from where all my meals come from. Kwa Mathe is also the comrade’s choice since food there is a lot cheaper. We exchanged phone numbers, and I proceeded to craft a strategy to win her over. As a student of communication, my poetry skills came in handy. I wrote her the best pickup lines and occasionally footed her bills at Kwa Mathe. Within no time, she was mesmerised!
Wangui began inviting me at her place, and we spent many long evenings just beating stories. After a month, I started getting side eyes from my friend Derick, who is a student of Amerix and Andrew Kibe. Derick couldn’t understand why I visited Wangui whenever I was free, and why I never went with empty hands. I always bought Kui snacks, chocolates, yoghurt and all things that she loved. I was simping! And if Derick was to access my chats with Wangui, he would parade me to Andrew Kibe for public flogging. Soon, after buying many lunches for Wangui at Kwa Mathe, my pocket developed holes. I was buying Wangui things that I had never bought for myself. I spent many days fantasising about us being a couple, not knowing that disaster awaited.
Two Thursdays ago, she called to remind me that her birthday was coming in a week’s time. I immediately called my parents asking for ‘pesa ya portal’ and no one asked me what it was since they are both illiterate. They sent me Sh927 and immediately, I went to the jewellery shop in town and bought Kui a necklace, watch and bracelet. The bill came to Sh2,600 and to cover the difference, I used money which I had been paid for work study, and then consulted Fuliza. I then sealed the gifts in shiny wrap papers and waited for D-Day.
When the day came, I decided to pay her a surprise visit. On reaching the door, I saw shoes that looked like they belonged to a 40-year-old man. In panic and with my hands shaking, I knocked several times. Kui peeped through the window and quickly retreated back into her room. It is then that I knew. Wangui had a Mubaba in the house! As I type this, it is 3pm and I am in class. I have not taken anything since yesterday. I don’t even know what the lecturer is saying. From the look of things, I’ll graduate with one thing, a degree only.
Morgan is a communication and journalism student at Rongo University
