I am 31, a mother of two, an 11 and eight-year-old. I was in an abusive relationship which I finally walked away from. My ex, who was the father of my children, passed away two years ago. It has not been easy raising my children singlehandedly. I decided to leave them with my mum to look for a better job in the city, which I got. I met a man who I have been dating for a while – he is good, mature, loving and responsible and treats me like a queen. We live together but he wants to marry me, and even plans to visit my mother in April this year. The problem is that I told him that I have one child. Is it too late to tell him the truth? I fear that he might leave me if I do.
You have two children, and your boyfriend needs to know this since he will be a part of their lives should you get married. That you lied to him, whatever your reason for withholding the truth was, is unfair.
You need to realise that every decision has a consequence. Failing to disclose such important information will have an impact on your relationship, whose gravity will depend on how your boyfriend will take your disclosure. My conviction is that it is better to tell the truth late than to never do so.
If he decides to leave you for failing to disclose that you have two children, take it in stride and keep moving for your sake and that of your children. If he chooses to process the disclosure and accept the news, then let this be a lesson never to lie to him again. Be courageous and tell the truth, as they say, the truth will set you free.
That said, it is important to ask yourself why you chose to lie that you have only one child, rather than the two you have – if you asked me, this was selfish. A lasting relationship is founded on trust. Do the right thing for your children and for this man who you say treats you like a queen.
Help me save my friend’s marriage
I urgently require your advice. There’s a marriage which is about to break. A young man I know is having an affair with a workmate, a woman with more money than he has. I have no idea how long the affair has been going on, but his wife just found out about it. She tried to get him to stop the affair but he said the woman has threatened to accuse him of sexual harassment if he ends the affair. As it is, she is two months pregnant with his child. She also wants him to leave his wife and marry her. What advise can you give in such a case?
Well, to begin with, if this young man is married, he should not be having an affair, his rightful place is with his wife. To give the excuse that this workmate he is having an affair with will report him for sexual harassment if he leaves her does not make sense.
If this man has impregnated the woman, then he should bear responsibility and take care of the child that will come along. Continuing with this affair, whether or not his wife knows and disapproves of it, is disrespectful, not to mention insincere.
His laughable excuses about why he continues with this illicit relationship are only making things worse for everyone involved. My advice is that he should go back to his wife, if she is willing to have him. You can overcome your fear of being alone.
UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIP
Are you the kind of person that fears being alone, so much so, that you find yourself jumping from one unsatisfying relationship to another?
If you are hurting, or if you just came from a relationship that left you wounded, it is important to take time to heal before considering another relationship, otherwise chances are that you will end up getting hurt again.
A new relationship, contrary to what many think, will not heal your hurt or pain. You can only heal or overcome hurt if you focus on yourself. You will not be able to do if you are in a relationship, since you will be too busy fulfilling the other person’s needs to think about your own.
Simply put, the fear of being alone will make you jump from one bad relationship to another.
You may think that what you feel is love, and be drawn in by the euphoria and excitement that comes with a new relationship. But with time, if you haven’t processed your hurt, you will end up outside in the cold again.
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